Love and Money: Building Strong Relationships Through Financial Unity

Money is one of the most potent opportunities for testing and strengthening a relationship. Money exposes more than just dollars and cents; it reveals the degree of trust, vulnerability, sacrifice, and communication between you and your partner. It’s a signpost for the strength of your relationship. By working toward financial unity, you’re cultivating a deeper connection with your spouse while you build wealth and achieve your dreams. Below are the foundational principles and personality dynamics I’ve picked up over the years and two practical strategies that foster financial unity.

Source and Solution to Problems

Let’s start with this statement to set the tone.

"Every problem in the world is a problem of wrong relationship." 4

When it comes to finances, this couldn’t be more accurate. Money disagreements are often less about numbers and more about underlying relational challenges that pop to the surface when money is the topic. But there is hope because;

“The solution to every problem is humility.” 2 & 4

It’s a beautifully simple solution and really, really hard.

Maybe you’re thinking that nothing good comes from discussing finances together. Historically in your relationship, that may have been the case. There may be pain and fear with even the idea of bringing up finances. It could be time for some determined counseling first, but it could be time for a revolution in your thinking. Maybe your partner would be willing to read this with you and agree to adopt the ground rules and practical suggestions. Doing something like that together is one step of humility.

5 Foundational Principles for Financial Unity

It’s imperative that we come to the table with a shared set of values in marriage, and this is no different when we consider finances specifically. What follows are mindsets that lead to constructive behavior.

No Hiding

One of the biggest traps in marital finances is secrecy. Whether hiding purchases, opening secret credit cards, gambling, or concealing debt, financial hiding erodes trust, but openness builds it. For instance, at the beginning of our engagement, Tanya was embarrassed about her student loan debt but chose to share it anyway. Together, we used a pool of gifted money to pay off the debt immediately. That moment of vulnerability strengthened our bond and set the tone for future opportunities where we’d be tempted to hide.

Honor Your Agreements

Whether it’s a pinky swear or a spit shake, keeping your word builds confidence, whether sticking to a budget or honoring shared decisions. When we decide before the beginning of the month what our spending priorities will be, we know that the other person will follow through because, month after month, we have both demonstrated that we do what we say we will do. Intimacy builds when we know we don’t need to question one another.

Equal Say, Mutual Control, Move Together

Both spouses have a voice. One person shouldn’t dominate financial decisions, although that’s often the case. When major expenses arise - like vacation plans, paying for school, career training, or big purchases – strive for cooperative buy-in. I’m usually the one who wants to move faster, but we don’t move forward until we’re both on the same page. And it wasn’t always that way. Earlier in marriage, I was way pushier! Let sacrificing and serving lead the way.

Share Everything

Conceding that the dynamics of blended families and other special cases lead to the nuance of this rule, the principle of sharing your finances is vital. Two objections I hear often fall along these lines:

“I get nervous at the thought of my partner having access to my money. What if something bad happens?”

“I want the freedom to spend my money how I want.”

Believe me, I get those sentiments and validate those reactions. The reality is that two people sharing finances is powerful (1) and, by and large, leads to relationship satisfaction (3). So, how can we start to move towards sharing? Joint accounts and asset ownership are a tangible expression of your shared life and establish transparency. We maintain personal autonomy by creating budget spending categories that give a certain level of spending independence. This way, both of us have freedom while maintaining transparency.

Same Team

You are on the same team. That means you are not enemies or even Frenemies. You can start to feel pitted against each other during money conflicts. It’s important to stop when the temperature rises and remind yourselves, out loud, that you are on the same team.

Understanding Money Personalities

Know this. Likely, you and your partner are different. Imagine that! Here are a few groups of opposing personalities. You probably aren’t all one or the other of any of the opposite poles, but considering these types can help you identify how you tick and understand your partner better. Please don’t use these to pigeonhole your partner. Use it to understand your tendencies and what you need to do to meet your partner where they are at.

• The Spender and the Saver: If one of you loves to splurge on yourself and others and the other prefers to tuck money away patiently, there’s bound to be tension. It’s okay to lovingly challenge your spouse’s spending or saving tendencies, especially for major decisions.

• The Nerd and the Free Spirit: In our marriage, I’m the nerd who loves balancing the budget and optimizing our finances, while Tanya is more of a free spirit, wanting to be carefree and enjoy the fruit of our financial blessing. Instead of clashing, we’ve learned to leverage our strengths and balance each other’s tendencies.

• The Avoider and the Concerned Citizen: Some people shy away from financial discussions, while others are preoccupied with them. The avoider is easily overwhelmed by strife around money and wants to cut the conversation short. The concerned citizen doesn’t want to stop until a resolution is reached. It’s important not to bury your head in the sand and also remember that arriving at a resolution can take time.

Another framework you might find helpful for understanding why you do what you do is Money Scripts. Rather than recreate that content here, you can check out this well-written article explaining vigilance, status, avoidance, and worship.

Common Money Issues

Here’s a list of common money issues that are, in fact, opportunities to grow together. I relate to most of them. How many can you relate to?

• One spouse earns more than the other

• One of you carried a lot of debt into the relationship

• You made poor financial decisions in the past

• Deciding where to live and how much to spend

• Paying for kids’ school and giving them money as adults

• How to divide your assets when you pass

• Changing careers

• Whether to save and invest or spend more

• Your degree of financial risk-taking

Practical Steps for Financial Unity

I alluded earlier to the idea that two people moving in the same direction have twice the momentum of one. My experience is that couples who align their financial goals are more likely to achieve long-term success and satisfaction in their relationship. Trust me, if you set a big goal together, like knocking out $130,000 worth of credit cards, student loans, and a HELOC, and achieve it, you will know that together you can accomplish anything. Here are two tools that allow you to grow closer: visioning and budgeting.

Vision Together

Set aside time for uninterrupted conversations about your dreams. Go out for a dream session and let each other talk uninterrupted. This could be a weekend getaway, a one-hour trip to the local coffee shop, or a series of “dates.”  Dreaming together is an exercise in vulnerability and hope. A shared vision encompasses your values and purpose and doesn’t start with your finances. Your money is one of the practical areas of your relationship where you take action to reach your dreams together.

Remember that not every dream can be realized immediately. You identify the next set of actions on the route to your destination. If you try to do too many things at the same time, it’s tough to make progress. Start by identifying and selecting no more than three shared goals that get you headed in the right direction.

I’ll leave you with this quote from a survey conducted by Ramsey Solutions. (3)

Ninety-four percent of respondents who say they have a “great” marriage discuss their money dreams with their spouse, compared to only 45 percent of respondents who say their marriage is “okay” or “in crisis.” Eighty-seven percent of respondents who say their marriage is “great” also say they and their spouse work together to set long-term goals for their money.

Budget Together

Emphasize the word together. You’re creating an intentional spending plan for each dollar of income every month. No one’s income is theirs. No one pays this bill while the other pays that one. It’s our income, and we decide how to allocate it. Tanya and I had a budget for years but didn’t follow it, often finding ourselves in the red, and we were not making progress. In 2021, we committed to a new process, have followed it since, and have seen relational fruit, pulling together toward common goals.

1. Prepare the Budget: A week or so before the end of the month, have the nerd draft next month’s plan considering the previous budget and what they know is coming up. We recently introduced a new category for each of us, where we have complete autonomy to spend how we wish. We always include a miscellaneous category for the things we forget about, like a kid friend’s birthday party.

2. Monthly Budget Meetings: We meet 1-3 days before the new month to finalize the budget. The free spirit comes to the budget meeting with items to add and gets to change anything they want. By the end of the meeting, make the expected income minus the planned expenses = $0.

3. Ongoing Adjustments: Throughout the month, track and categorize transactions and tweak the budget as necessary, reallocating funds between categories while staying within agreed-upon limits. We both take responsibility for this leisure interest. This step includes having a special “emergency budget meeting” if something truly unexpected occurs so you can figure out what to do together.

4. Rinse and Repeat: Follow the same process month after month because every month is different. During your time together, intentionally discuss other areas of your financial lives, like knowing where all the accounts are, their purpose, and where the passwords are stored so that in the event of a catastrophe, the other isn’t left stranded in the midst of an already impossible situation.

The Rewards of Financial Harmony

Marriage is work, and financial harmony takes conscious effort. The rewards, however, are well worth it. Finances are a reflection of relationship health, not the cause of it. Transparency, mutual respect, and shared goals transform money from a source of conflict into a tool for building a stronger relationship. By fostering openness and unity, you can realize financial success and a deeper, more fulfilling marriage. Money in marriage isn’t just about numbers; it’s about love in action.

Our caring financial advisors will wade into your mindsets and help you and your spouse identify shared money goals. Our clients’ success is the reason we do what we do, and we embrace opportunities to help you sort through the money issues that bubble to the surface in your relationship so you can find greater satisfaction and reach your goals.

References

1 Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis. Married Households Are Wealthier than Other Young Adults. 21 January 2019. <https://www.stlouisfed.org/on-the-economy/2019/january/married-couples-wealthier-other-young-adults>.

2 "Personal Notes." Relationships Lecture with Dean Sherman. Arvada, June 2001.

3 Ramsey Solutions. Money, Marriage, and Communication. 27 September 2021. <https://www.ramseysolutions.com/relationships/money-marriage-communication-research>.

4 Sherman, Dean. "The Bottom Line." Sherman, Dean. Relationships: The Key to Love, Sex, and Everything Else. Seattle, WA: YWAM Publishing, 2002. 19-24. <Relationships: The Key to Love, Sex, and Everything Else>.